Kiss
Puke
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
