Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
