I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
