I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
