I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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