you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
