so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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