Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
