We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
