I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
