I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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