What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
