the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I am naked and annoyed.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
