saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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