Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
