dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
