she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
