you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
