how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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