last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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