Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
