Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
