Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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