So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i dont even know how to be here
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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