i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
