i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
bring money and cleavage
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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