so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We left an ass print on the piano.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
