So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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