i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
