gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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