I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
