In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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