in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
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