I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
