You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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