were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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