I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Randomize
