I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
She's like a pop up book from hell.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
