Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
