Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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