Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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