my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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