How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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