He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
