Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
why do cheetos always look like penises
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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