i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
