So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
