Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
