I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
