You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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